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| My baby died a little while ago. I have been sent into an awkward depression without her. She was my constant companion and now I have alone. Really, truly, we did practically everything together. I miss her a lot..
Besides that, I moved home from school. I've been staying here longer than the end of school to take care of my sick pup but... yeah. Glad school is over but I still failed all my classes. One semester left to get back on my feet before being kicked out. Good luck on that one, I guess.
I am hopefully getting a job. And once I get that job I am moving out. Both, highly good things. I am also really excited about my pottery. I did my first.. order? My friend got married and wanted a series of bowls for the tables and their new life together. It was fun. It really got me fired up to make some more.
I need to get my car working. I need to start hanging out with people again. I need to... do a lot of different things. Anyone want to randomly hang out? I'm sure we haven't hung out for a while.. but give me a second chance. I can be fun, I swear!
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| There is this game I keep playing, and I do not know why. It is called I Am An Idiot and the idea of this game is to find the biggest asshole and liar on campus, get him to like you for a split second, get feelings for him and let him trample on them!
I have only disliked one person more than this person ever (but Bradford outdoes them by a long shot). It is one of those times when you are all cute and happy and smiling but when they look the other way it is death glares and flicking them off. There are thoughts of revenge, and ways to ruin them. It is wrong, but it seems so deserving. I know, I am not the judge, but this person is just awful.
Why do I not stick with the good guys. I really appreciate my one friend. He is great... but I stop hanging out with him to hang out with this loser!
I am filled with so much anger.
Also, the looming doom of not knowing where I am going in 15 days is getting to eat at me.
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| So, this is interesting. This is very interesting. I do not want to think too hard about it really I guess, but I cannot stop smiling. I am happy? It kind of got stomped on right away, but I will choose to keep my head up. I am sure he has more integrity than that. Really. I believe that. Though, I should guard myself more... Yes. That is what I will do. Put my guard up.
What else... Living at camp once school is done because I have no where else? Sure, let us try and set that guy up. I like working hard. Some do not really believe that but I actually do. I loved the maintenance job I worked where I shoveled dirt a ton. Believe it or not.
I like pottery. I really like pottery =)
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| Who do you turn to when you feel like you have no one? When your best friend has replaced you with her boyfriend? When your parents seem to care less and less about you as time goes on, one brother is getting married and the other brother is 2.5 hours away? I suppose as a Christian this question should be easy to answer, we should turn to God. Last time I felt really beaten down and alone I cried out to God for help, telling Him I needed him. I have never felt as alone as I did that next day. It was a feeling of utter abandonment.
Life just is not going as according to planned. You know, I got an interview. Granted I was really nervous and desperate enough to try for a canvassing job for an exterior company, but in the end it did not even matter. I had no way of getting there. I assumed my mother would be nothing but encouraging and helpful when it came to me going to an interview but she did not allow me to use the car. So, I am more set back on getting a job than I originally thought.
I really wanted to go to the Spring Banquet this year. But I think it was more along the lines of... I really wanted to go with someone who actually would enjoy it and enjoy going with me and I really love the zoo. Now that I am going I think I am realizing that the people I am going with do not actually, necessarily, want to go. I had to almost con them into going. It is embarrassing to admit, I know, but there you have it. Now, I just do not want to go. I would rather not suffer the embarrassment and memories.
Life keeps on changing, and I feel as though I am just getting left behind. Advising day was today and it just snuck up on me! I did not go sign up to see my adviser. Why?! I frustrate myself so much! Why couldn't I have just walked upstairs, and wrote my name on the paper. Because I did not know for sure whether the paper was there. I did not know for sure that Joe is my adviser. I had uncertainties and those stop me from doing things. The fear. What the heck, why?! I want to move passed them--consider situations with uncertainties as adventures.
Life is just an adventure I guess. The people in your life come and go so I suppose you cannot just hold tight to one person. You never know if you or them will even be here tomorrow. God is the only thing that remains constant so I might as well keep trying to get through. If He seems far away, guess who moved?
Now, instead of just focusing on my dislike of my life I am going to be focusing on my dislike of my person. My personality. My awkwardness and dislike of people I have a hard time standing. If I have a hard time standing them why should I have to surround myself with them? I can be friends. I think. Maybe I am wrong. But after my friendly stage and I see that people could care less about me I stop caring how I come off.
Seriously, forget this all. Just forget it. I do not even care anymore.
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| You know what I do not understand? God. Why would God bless me by having money handed to me instead of blessing me with a job? Why would certain people enter my life and others not? How come I do not have a strong mature Christian woman in my life but I have many messed up Christians/nonbelievers who are close to me and who have entered my life when I need a friend the most? It seems things happen the opposite of what I think the best solution would be, opposite of what I want.
You know, I have to be honest on this one. Spring banquet is coming up and this is the one year that I would actually love to go. It is at the Minnesota Zoo! I love the zoo. I love animals. I would love, just for once in my life, to be asked to go to such a thing by someone I really really would like to go with. Though look! Everything seems to be happening opposite of what I want, so I will just assume that will not be happening. There are two options for what I want the outcome to be. Two options for who would ask me. One I would be ecstatic, and the other I would be rather 100 percent content with. At the same time, I think I will end up sitting this one out. It is kind of sad. I am not use to such things. I am use to having guys want to take me? Maybe though, that was a figment of my imagination. Maybe, just maybe, I was too self absorbed at the time to see that no other guy except the one guy I was with wanted to be with me. And that guy was a loser! I was cuter in high school and I can opening and confidently state that.
I found out something about myself recently. I get the most joy and relaxation from being in the ceramic studio and "making". There has never been a time when spending hours and hours in the studio has not shown to lift my spirits about life. I cannot figure out why exactly this happens. Why I do not ever want to leave the studio, why I want to just create more and more. It could possibly be, because, I actually finish what I start. I get compliments from other people. Because I know I am above the average in my ceramics class. That though, is perhaps only because I have more experience. Today, was weird. I was working on my coil bust and I had just finished. I am rather proud of it, though I can see the obvious problems with the thing. A girl from my class comes in and asks, "How do you do that?" and basically said she felt that the professor should give more directions on how to complete certain pieces, such as the coil chia head. So I gave her some pointers. You know, about how to keep it from collapsing on itself, how to make it not look like a neaderthal, the key to it all being the 45 degree neck. All simple, straight forward, truths. This girl completely disregards everything I told her! She unsucessfully tried her own way of doing it a few times and when I left she was still pointless going at it. There was no 45 degree neck, there was nothing to help it not collaps on itself. Without those things is it even possible to successful create a, at least semi-realistic, bust of a human? Maybe I was too pushy. Maybe I came off as arrogant. I just, I thought she could benifit from the knowledge I gained from taking a class and being taught the right ways to create a bust and the warned of the common flaws that cause failed attempts. In order to remain humble do I hold in my knowlege and watch someone fail time and time again just because they are igornant? I mean my head is not perfect, and not even close. But really... at least I have one?
Maybe I am arrogant when it comes to my ceramics class. But I feel as though if they took time to get to know my personality they would see that I would love to share my knowledge with them. They would know that I am not just some arrogant prick who finds enjoyment in seeing others pieces get lost under the shadow of my work. Honestly, okay. Here. I will tell you a secret. I am not good at ceramics. heh. Really, and truly. I may be better than those in my class, but my pieces do not have a leg to stand on outside of that class.
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